Borderline Music Playlist

The following playlist are songs that I and others feel relate to what is like to have Borderline Personality Disorder & how those afflicted with this illness more often than not feel about themselves and others. Thanks to all those that contributed their suggestions for this list it is really appreciated.

Poem - Borderline

I was once a happy, innocent little boy,

but now I'm broken and I don't know why.

All my pain buried deep down inside,

is it any wonder I want to curl up and die.

Slithers of glass shredding my soul,

craving warmth but feeling only cold.

Knowing how to behave,

but subject to a chaotic emotional rage.

Who am I because I don't know?

Words spoken in haste,

leaving friendships in a tattered waste.

Wanting to be accepted I push you away,

why would you want to stay?

Wanting beauty but feeling pain,

even breathing is an awkward strain.

Damaged, reject, pariah, psycho,

many more names adorn my soul,

I just want to be loved and made whole.

Why has love forsaken me?

Why can't I be set free?

Am I not beautiful?

I am a person after all.

Where is the the love that I deserve?

Instead a meal of vile iniquity I'm served.

Trapped in the miry clay,

please help me I don't want to stay.

Will I come to my end with despair my only friend.

Constantly battling the war inside,

God help me because I don't want to die.

I long for a place to call home,

but instead I suffer alone.

Where is the promise of hope?

Am I just a cruel joke?

Darkness comes and envelopes me,

demons screaming to break free.

A war inside my mind,

yet peace and happiness are all I want to find.

Please deliver me from all this strife,

before the darkness overtakes me and I take my life.

Poem - 13

Poem - Relapse (Cutting)

Hello my old friend, I'm facing you again. 

I threw you away, abandoned you on the road side 16 years ago. 

You cried out for me in the mirror as I drove away. 

Only you knew the truth, why I summoned your help to cope with my pain.

You caressed and comforted me while I bled. 

Stress running from my veins, the pain screaming out of me. 

I was so alone, tortured, hating me was all to much fun. 

How did I get so lost that you've entered my mind, way to eager to offer your help once more. 

You heard my silent screams, my yearning for tears that won't come. 

Like a cancer the darkness grows. 

Once again you offer to carry me away to your empty bliss. 

I'm feel all alone & there's no one who understands. 

There's no one good no not one, a brood of vipers with nothing but venom on their lips. 

So why should I expect to be treated any different. 

Blood & comfort are all you can offer. 

Not judging or debating my choices, only a bleeding wound. 

Your help is clothed in shame, fuelling disdain, contempt already felt. 

Conveniently you leave that unsaid. 

How did all this darkness come to envelop me?

I'm not a servant I'm a son, so why are you creeping in? 

Blinded to your ever growing advance. 

Slowly you've been biding your time knowing I would eventually fall. 

At my weakest moment you bared your face, all puffed up as my only friend which to call. 

Abandon all ye hope you scream in my head,

making me cry I wish I was dead. 

Surrounded by so many yet so alone, so ashamed I bear it on my own. 

People speaking without words, being ignored says it all. 

Drowning in darkness gasping for air, silently screaming I'm dying inside. 

People's expectations of recovery don't allow for relapse, assigning me to the to hard basket once more. 

My light is hidden under a bushel instead of shinning in the night. 

I so much want to share but do not dare. 

Stigma and judgement blind the minds of those that do not understand. 

So many around me not knowing I'm screaming in agony, all to adept at wearing the mask 'All is fine'.

Why greet me with "How are you" if you don't want to know? 

Each day I bow & pray to the god I have made, whose prophets endlessly share their wares. 

Where is my great shepherd? 

Endlessly I wander not in green pastures but in thorns & thistles. 

I've lost my way and don't know how to get home.

Is it any wonder my old friend you grace my door once again.

Short Story On Addiction - The Spider and The Fly

As the wind bristled through the trees, a spider weaved its web and the grace by which the web was weaved caught the interest of a passer by. With great delight the spider focused on her audience, "Come play with me while I weave my web", she cried. With intrigue the fly flew to the spider with games to play and curiosity to be met. The fly left his freedom to play and did not seem to care what he left behind. His freedom couldn't have meant much for he cast it aside in an instant. To the fly, the spider moved with grace and charm and in his eyes could do no wrong.

However, you know what happens when a spider meets a fly, do you not? When the fly came to be still standing on a branch the spider leaped through the air arresting him to her web. The fly shrieked in horror, "What is going on here, you told me I had nothing to fear?" The spider replied, "Be still do not be afraid I have only ensnared you in the web I have made. To devour you I would not, but you see I am a spider so naturally I must connive and plot." The fly thought, "If i stay here to live maybe the spider will except what I have to give." So instead of trying to get away the fly stayed content in what could never be. For how can a spider and a fly ever be friends?

As time passed on its gentle merry way the spider was busily about her business increasing her web slowly but sure. As the web increased so did the fly's chances for escape grow less and less. Yet the fly did not seem to care, for he had learned to grab at the crumbs of attention that would fall from passers by. The spider however, had grown bored with the fly and wanted to go on increasing its web, to satisfy its natural desires and ensnaring prey. Although the spider was bored with the fly she did not want him to go as she had become accustomed to seeing him everyday - almost a furniture piece you could say.

Eventually the fly began feeling sick for his freedom. The spider, however, came to suspect this  and thought, "The fly is good for conversation and when I desire it pleasing to my will. No! I will not let him go, I will keep him still." The fly began to make a number of attempts to escape, after all being a fly it was his duty to try and break free. However, his attempts were halfhearted, although, he believed he was sincere enough. He would struggle against the web pulling it so tense it would almost break, then he would give up.

Maybe the fly just forgot what freedom really was. He would say to himself, "It's too hard, I failed, I'm just can't do it", and find he was stuck more than before. Yet he didn't really mind as he seemed to get some cheap thrill out of being bound.

Time again passed its way, till one day after a dreadful fight with the spider, the fly pondered; "Who am I to be deceived. In the spider's heart friendship could never be. She does not care about me, only a conversation piece I am to be. Oh, I long to be free and to have escaped this insanity. How I wish to fly, to once again know the freedom in the sky. Freedom to have you again, the strength I need would you please send." With determination and genuine effort the fly struggled and at last broke free from the sticky web. "At last freedom from my prison of silk!" he exclaimed. Upon reaching a safe distance the fly turned to see his prison one last time. The spider was frantic. Dismayed she said, "I've lost my fly, I've lost my fly. What will I do, What will I do? Increase my web to ensnare, my web with another I will share."  As the fly looked back he was amazed for not even the spider knew, lurking in the shadows watching all this time was her creator, the one who supplied her with such treacherous desire.

Poem - Lend Me Your Hope

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,

pain and confusion are my companions.

I know not where to turn; looking ahead to future times does

not bring forth images of renewed hope.

I see troubled times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Hold my hand and hug me;

listen to my ramblings, recovery seems so far distant.

The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Stand by me, offer me your presence, your heart and your love.

Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present.

I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.

Lend me your hope for a while;

a time will come when I will heal,

and I will share my renewal,

hope and love with others.

Adapted from the poem “Lend Me Your Hope,” author unknown – taken from 

Neil T Anderson's, “Victory Over The Darkness”. Regal Books, 2000.

Overcoming The Darkness: Borderline Personality Disorder & Me

I have made this video to detail my struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is my hope that this video will help shed some light on a gravely misunderstood illness & to diminish the stigma surrounding it.